Since it's been so long since our last Troll Call, here is a generous serving of things that make you say, "Why?"
1. http://www.etsy.com/listing/57171968/lady-bug-cover-size-a
This is one of those situations where you'd be better off just eating your five-dollar bill.
2. http://www.etsy.com/listing/50718968/set-of-3-momma-moon-pads
Not to kick a girl while she's down, but... As shitty as these pads look, we can't help but be intrigued by the penis-shaped one on the left.
3. http://hyenacart.com/prod_details.php?id=16551&vid=3802
The picture really sells it, don't you think?
4. http://hyenacart.com/BadonkaDipes/index.php?c=0&p=83721
Keep scrolling. In the second photo you can actually see the moment the gigantic alien soaker burst out of the diaper shell that had been gestating it.
5. http://www.etsy.com/listing/50714527/little-lace-baby-leggings?ref=v1_other_2
There's a fine line between fancy and Mom's mini skank. I think we found it.
6. http://hyenacart.com/prod_details.php?id=26144&vid=3448
Dish towels - this season's hottest new trend.
7. http://shop.boodlebottoms.com/
In case you don't want to be seen as cool for cloth diapering your kid, this will do the trick. Mom Pants for babies - yum.
8. http://www.etsy.com/listing/46516830/small-crochet-soaker-by-los-chiquitos?ref=v1_other_1
We don't know which part is better - the razzle dazzle yarn or the fact that some of yarn's materials are just unaccounted for. 78% Acrylic, 19% Wool, 3% Self-Delusion
9. http://www.etsy.com/listing/53531447/gingham-soaker?ref=v1_other_2
In case Kim Kardashian ever has a baby.
10. http://hyenacart.com/prod_details.php?id=88057&vid=3802
Patriotic....but fugly. Some things just don't mix.
Now granted, we love killing an evening or three digging through the refuse bins of Etsy and beyond, but we can't find it all. Piece-of-shit products are constantly popping up, like pimples the day before a blind date. Email your shitacular finds to clothdiaperbword@yahoo.com. If we use your pick, we'll give you cred. (Unless you're snickering behind a friend's back, like a true bee-otch.)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Relax, don't do it...
I recently visited an online shop that proudly announced something like, "It's Halloween time here at [Baby Store]!" No shit. It's kind of Halloween time in a lot of places. But it did get me thinking about how the big holiday push is finally in full swing.
As a general rule, there is a more pressure to buy any handmade item. For one thing, there are just less of them to be had than the crap China cranks out for your average cheap, indiscriminate consumer zombies. (A.K.A. most of us) Handmade takes a lot of time and more expensive materials, so not many people are interested in making this stuff. And, of course, a lot of handmade products tend to be one-of-a-kind just by their very nature. Limited quantities and bad-ass originality really put the squeeze on a shop-happy mom. Now add the pressure (and maybe tantalizingly increased budget) of the holidays - you and your Visa are on the express train to Remorseville.
Ladies, you've got to shop smart. Screw your mile-long gift list. Screw Timmy's dire seasonal wardrobe needs. And definitely screw painfully inane shop slogans meant to hype you into buying junk you don't even want.
Take off your hand-felted blinders and repeat this pledge:
#1 I know that just because it's handmade, doesn't mean it's high quality. The world is full of cheap materials and piss-poor workmanship. Supporting WAHMs or "Inspiring Handmade" is not a good enough reason to throw your money away on things that factory rats could have made three times better. If you truly want to support this back-to-basics movement that encompasses cloth diapering and many other practices, then don't buy things simply because they're handmade. Demand excellence.
#2 I don't support crap. It doesn't matter if it's your friend, someone with a terrific sob story, or a piece of crap that happens to be made with a hard-to-find fabric you adore. Don't buy it! You're just feeding the strays that are going to give your indoor pets rabies. We want to weed out the junk dealers, not encourage them. It's tough love and it's all of our responsibility to dish it out. Until they get better or just give up, half-assed "makers" would do a greater service to the world from behind the counter at Starbucks.
#3 I will not wait two months for anything. Ever. Sure, things come up. Holidays are busy. This is just one hot item. But there is always someone else out there who makes nearly the exact same thing and is willing to put some hustle into it for you. If there's a long wait on a custom order, don't order it, dillhole! Don't let the hype surrounding an item fool you into thinking that is the only place you can buy from. Take your dollars and move along. You may end up finding a product you like even more than your original choice.
#4 I will not be fooled by simple items. Homemade baby leggings for eight bucks? Give us a fucking break. Those things were made out of $2 tube socks, two quick snips with a pair of scissors, and one line of stitching. If you're not crafty enough to make your own, don't you dare pay more than a few dollars for those things. You're dumb if you do. Same goes for flannel-on-flannel serged wipes (they take 10 cents and half a minute to make), fleece "liners" (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!), appliqued clothing that is really just a glob of a popular fabric slapped onto a premade shirt (really? you honestly think that's cute?), hair accessories that have common shit glued to them (you don't have a glue gun and some fake flowers at home?), or any product that is made by tying one thing to another. Trust us, your 4-year-old can make that tutu.
#5 I will not be fooled by expensive materials. It doesn't matter if it's made of organic bamboo, highest quality wool, the most in-demand colorway, imported Japanese fabrics, or fuzzy suede made from the underbelly of a virgin flying yak. Look past the materials and try to see the workmanship. Forget about the relatively low price and think about the practicality and longevity of the item. What if the item doesn't have very clear photos or a thorough description but you already know you love virgin yak? Just make it your practice to always assume bad photos are meant to disguise bad products. No magical material can make up for that.
#6 I will think with my own brain. See our last post for further detail on fluff-herding mentality when it comes to individual brands, but also beware advertising pushes. "Always a holiday favorite, sure to move quickly!" "Last stocking before Christmas!" So what? Take the time to think it through for yourself. Read feedback (and realize negative feedback is rarely openly expressed), search for raves, look for action shots. Even if you end up deciding a purchase is right for you and now it's too late....so what? Life continues after December 25th. You can find a different gift for now and pick that thing up later if you really can't live without it. Refuse to let Cloth Diaper Barbie and her cohorts peer pressure you into something dumb. Say "NO" to business owners who are shoving you toward the checkout so they can use your money to buy something for their family that is better than the crap they make. Don't be the Buy-It-Now button's bitch.
#7 I will uphold creativity, show my appreciation for beauty and detail, and globally support income and trade at the family level by buying handmade. It's a good cause, one that brings you delight and strengthens local economies everywhere. It's a choice you can be very proud of - just try to wipe the smug look off your face long enough for a group shot in front of the tree. But please, for the love of all that is intelligently aesthetic, stick to the pledge!
As a general rule, there is a more pressure to buy any handmade item. For one thing, there are just less of them to be had than the crap China cranks out for your average cheap, indiscriminate consumer zombies. (A.K.A. most of us) Handmade takes a lot of time and more expensive materials, so not many people are interested in making this stuff. And, of course, a lot of handmade products tend to be one-of-a-kind just by their very nature. Limited quantities and bad-ass originality really put the squeeze on a shop-happy mom. Now add the pressure (and maybe tantalizingly increased budget) of the holidays - you and your Visa are on the express train to Remorseville.
Ladies, you've got to shop smart. Screw your mile-long gift list. Screw Timmy's dire seasonal wardrobe needs. And definitely screw painfully inane shop slogans meant to hype you into buying junk you don't even want.
Take off your hand-felted blinders and repeat this pledge:
#1 I know that just because it's handmade, doesn't mean it's high quality. The world is full of cheap materials and piss-poor workmanship. Supporting WAHMs or "Inspiring Handmade" is not a good enough reason to throw your money away on things that factory rats could have made three times better. If you truly want to support this back-to-basics movement that encompasses cloth diapering and many other practices, then don't buy things simply because they're handmade. Demand excellence.
#2 I don't support crap. It doesn't matter if it's your friend, someone with a terrific sob story, or a piece of crap that happens to be made with a hard-to-find fabric you adore. Don't buy it! You're just feeding the strays that are going to give your indoor pets rabies. We want to weed out the junk dealers, not encourage them. It's tough love and it's all of our responsibility to dish it out. Until they get better or just give up, half-assed "makers" would do a greater service to the world from behind the counter at Starbucks.
#3 I will not wait two months for anything. Ever. Sure, things come up. Holidays are busy. This is just one hot item. But there is always someone else out there who makes nearly the exact same thing and is willing to put some hustle into it for you. If there's a long wait on a custom order, don't order it, dillhole! Don't let the hype surrounding an item fool you into thinking that is the only place you can buy from. Take your dollars and move along. You may end up finding a product you like even more than your original choice.
#4 I will not be fooled by simple items. Homemade baby leggings for eight bucks? Give us a fucking break. Those things were made out of $2 tube socks, two quick snips with a pair of scissors, and one line of stitching. If you're not crafty enough to make your own, don't you dare pay more than a few dollars for those things. You're dumb if you do. Same goes for flannel-on-flannel serged wipes (they take 10 cents and half a minute to make), fleece "liners" (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!), appliqued clothing that is really just a glob of a popular fabric slapped onto a premade shirt (really? you honestly think that's cute?), hair accessories that have common shit glued to them (you don't have a glue gun and some fake flowers at home?), or any product that is made by tying one thing to another. Trust us, your 4-year-old can make that tutu.
#5 I will not be fooled by expensive materials. It doesn't matter if it's made of organic bamboo, highest quality wool, the most in-demand colorway, imported Japanese fabrics, or fuzzy suede made from the underbelly of a virgin flying yak. Look past the materials and try to see the workmanship. Forget about the relatively low price and think about the practicality and longevity of the item. What if the item doesn't have very clear photos or a thorough description but you already know you love virgin yak? Just make it your practice to always assume bad photos are meant to disguise bad products. No magical material can make up for that.
#6 I will think with my own brain. See our last post for further detail on fluff-herding mentality when it comes to individual brands, but also beware advertising pushes. "Always a holiday favorite, sure to move quickly!" "Last stocking before Christmas!" So what? Take the time to think it through for yourself. Read feedback (and realize negative feedback is rarely openly expressed), search for raves, look for action shots. Even if you end up deciding a purchase is right for you and now it's too late....so what? Life continues after December 25th. You can find a different gift for now and pick that thing up later if you really can't live without it. Refuse to let Cloth Diaper Barbie and her cohorts peer pressure you into something dumb. Say "NO" to business owners who are shoving you toward the checkout so they can use your money to buy something for their family that is better than the crap they make. Don't be the Buy-It-Now button's bitch.
#7 I will uphold creativity, show my appreciation for beauty and detail, and globally support income and trade at the family level by buying handmade. It's a good cause, one that brings you delight and strengthens local economies everywhere. It's a choice you can be very proud of - just try to wipe the smug look off your face long enough for a group shot in front of the tree. But please, for the love of all that is intelligently aesthetic, stick to the pledge!
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